New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
