When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
