nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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