Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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