We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
