he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
