OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize
