I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
