The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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