tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
