Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
