So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
