you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
