My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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