he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
