I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
