went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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