my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
