"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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