just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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