I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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