i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I need moral support for this bender
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
