Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
