We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
