I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
zippers are such a cool invention
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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