do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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