Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
