I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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