so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
