I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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