Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
