I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
