he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
