he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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