just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
