Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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