yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
