My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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