life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently you make a good broom.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
