chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
