I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
