You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
