i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
