I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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