Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
