mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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