No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
