my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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