This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
