I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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