the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
